god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
