then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
