Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
