I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize