Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
