How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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