Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
