Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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