Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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