My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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