just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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