I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
