Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
