Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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