oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
