I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
