If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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