I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
