There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
