When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My vagina just clenched in fear
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
