I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
