grandma shit on top of the toilet
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Randomize
