Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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