she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
