when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
