You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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