God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
