man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Too much gin, very little bucket
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
