i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
