im about as happy as oj after his trial
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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