i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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