Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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