I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
