I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
