I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
