A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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