I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
