My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
