____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
