I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
