there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
