we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hippo gnu deer
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
