Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
