You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
