Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
