just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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