mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
