I need to stop coming to work sober
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
