I only kidnapped one of them. chill
zippers are such a cool invention
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
