How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
