i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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