And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
