I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
