I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize