He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
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