Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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