I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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