after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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