Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
